So, I have this really negative situation going on in my life. Every day I come home from work, check my Facebook thinking today will be the end of all the ugliness, then burst into tears. After the tears comes a large amount of anger that makes me wonder if I am, in fact, ready for it to be over.
I am angry for many justifiable reasons, but one of them is what is on my mind today. I am angry at myself. Not because I think an apology is due from me, because at this point in time that is not going to happen. I am angry with myself because this person purposefully hurt me, and I am letting them get what they wanted by shedding so many tears over it. I am being a doormat by letting this situation overshadow all the good.
As an old friend said, my feelings are still valid, and I do not want to take away from the fact that I am unbelievably hurt, but I need to stop letting those feelings take away from all of the others. So, I am writing this to get those feelings out there, so I can stop constantly thinking about them and move forward.
Because that's what 2010 has been for me. An uphill battle to stop standing still. To stop being afraid of being happy. To stop sabotaging the good things in my life because I believe that by being happy I am somehow betraying my son.
It's something I have been working on for eight years, and I believe it will be a life long struggle. But I do not hold a monopoly on grief and I do not have to carry all of it all of the time.
I try to remember that there are a very few fortunate souls on this Earth who do not feel some sort of loss. This time of year has us all thinking about the holes left by those losses.
I've done pretty well this year, had a few destructive moments I am greatly ashamed of, but if I look where I started and where I am now I am so grateful.
I am grateful for my own strength and for the strength and love of those I hold most dear. I feel as if, through this hurtful situation, I have turned over a new leaf. By venting to Jero and my journal, I have realized I do not have to apologize for who I have become.
I have gone through a sort of reverse metamorphosis. No longer the social butterfly I was. No longer wanting to flit here and there. Now, I see the value of home, of hearth, of family. Making a warm, cozy home for Jero has been so rewarding. I do not see making home-cooked meals as a chore or an obligation, I see it as a gift. I treasure the time I get, wrapped in a blanket, enjoying the home I have worked so hard to build.
I get scared. I've been here before. I've been in the place where it feels everything is coming together as I have always dreamed it, just to have it shattered and scattered. Sometimes that fear makes me lash out at my life, trying to shatter it myself so I won't get fooled again.
In the last few weeks, I really took a look at what I have, and though I feel that dread churning inside of me, it no longer makes me want to tear it all apart. Instead I want to envelop it, nurture it so it can continue to grow.
Does any of this make any sense?
I know this is a switch from the humor I've been writing, but because I felt so ashamed of the pain I am feeling I have been trying to hide it away. Then I started thinking about the title of my blog.
It's all a tangled skein. The good and the bad. The hurt and the healing, the laughter and the tears. Why hide it? Why be ashamed of my pain and anger? On the flip side, why hide my happiness? Why feel guilty of my joy?
I'm sorry for the hurt out there. I am sorry I and many of those I love have experienced far more than our share. But being a human being, I have a biological right to persevere. To evolve. I can't do that if I am a negative Nancy with secret happiness. Nor can I get there if I am a Pollyanna who cries alone in the shower every day.
Anyway. If you are still reading (awwwwkward) thank you for letting me get this out there so I can start writing hilarity again without feeling like a fake. There's sadness under there, as there is in all of us, and I just didn't want to lie about it anymore.
If you need something to laugh about, I'd like to tell you that Giles is seriously giving Ozzie a pedicure right now. I don't know why, but Giles is licking Ozzie's feet, and Ozzie is letting him. Holding his paw up in the air so Giles doesn't have to bend so far. It's kind of sicking me out.
WHAT IS ON HIS PAWS?
Has he gotten on the couch since I've been home? Is it everywhere and I just can't see or smell it?
WHAT THE HELL COULD IT BE?
I just threw up a little in my mouth.