It's All Connected

It's All Connected

Friday, February 10, 2012

I Don't Know How You Roll or Jesus

A customer called my office today, the following conversation is nearly verbatim.

Me: Downtown Auto Licensing.

Customer: Yeah, I have a question.

Me: Okie dokie. I may have an answer.

Customer: So, it has to do with changing* your tires.

Me: ...

Customer: You know, like when you have to chain** up when you go over a pass?

Me: Well, this is the department of licensing. I don't think I can help you with that particular problem. But I'm sure there should be a phone number or some information on the website for the Department of Transportation.

Customer: Well, I looked online and that's how I found your phone number.

Me: Maybe Les Schwab?

Customer: You really can't help me?

Me: (severely rolling my eyes) I really can't. I can help you renew your tabs, transfer a title, replace your plates, but I definitely cannot help you with any tire questions. I'm sorry.

Customer: Typical government agency.

Me: We're privately owned and operated. I'm just a cog. I really am sorry. Good luck.

Customer: Fine.

I was honestly speechless. Was I meant to find him a phone number for the DOT? Tell him how to change his tires? Because I can do that, but I don't know if chains are currently required on any of the passes because I live in Spokane, and haven't been over the pass in a very long time.

I said yesterday that I was the President of Pissing People Off Inc., maybe today I became the CEO.

Honestly the strangest question at this job to date. Though, I do have a theory as to why I have been making everyone so angry this week.

So, on Tuesday, I went to the bathroom at work and found a little scripture card sitting on the toilet paper holder. It looked like a business card, and though I wasn't about to touch it because, let's face it, I am totally afraid of stranger poo particles, I did lean in to read it. When I realized what it was, it sent my heathen little mind a whirling.

I was so curious as to whether somebody accidentally left it in the bathroom stall and wondered if they were bummed about no longer having it. Then I thought, what if it was given to somebody and this is what they thought of it. Leaving it in the bathroom because they did not want to take it home. Of course, my brain also wondered if it was left there on purpose by the religious fanatic who is also a genius because everybody has to pee at some point. This is the perfect distribution technique! You have the odds in your favor of reaching the largest number of workers in our building PLUS our customers, AND you don't have to deal with the looks of annoyance from devil worshipers like me***. Brilliant. This may be how I advertise for my chicken sacrifices from now on.

Everyday I went into the same stall to find the card still sitting there. Today, I started cackling in the bathroom (which frightens others FYI) because I really wanted to just throw the card away but I was superstitiously afraid of being smote. I wonder if that's why nobody else had thrown it away either? Who wants to toss out the word of God? Sounds just as stupid as trying to throw away a Ouija Board. That's just asking for unwanted trouble, twelve year old me!

But, after pissing off my millionth customer of the week, I decided that it was due to not picking up the card and putting it in my pocket. Or, better yet, passing it on to others. It was like a potty chain letter. That's just wrong, folks. The bathroom should be a curse-less place.

So, the moral is, just keep your eyes closed in a public bathroom, it's safer for everyone that way.

*He may have said chaining.

**This is about where I wondered if he had previously said chaining.

***I am not actually a devil worshiper. That's just silly. If I was going to worship anything it would be leprechauns, or genies. Something that's going to give me the maximum reward for the smallest price. The devil wants souls, while leprechauns just like to play hide and seek (mostly hide) and genies just need a little touch. I can totally do those things for fame and riches.

Hug those babies, chain those tires (or don't, I don't know), and wash your hands.