It's All Connected

It's All Connected

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Menstrual Cramps, Thank You for Your Service

So, yesterday I had a particularly rough, emotionally-vampiric day.

I was informed by my brothers that basically I am a lazy bastard who does nothing that contributes to the well being of our mother. A monstrous little troll that is so lazy I wouldn't even lift a finger to scare the three Billy Goats Gruff crossing over the bridge I am lounging beneath. A stupid, irresponsible sack of crap who will never think she is accountable.

Okay, they didn't EXACTLY say those things, but the sentiment was there.

I was so upset I cried until I vomited. Never really a solution by the way. You just wind up smelly, soggy, and hungry.

Today I woke up feeling a little like I drank too much last night. Still tired and sad. Until the mind numbing, killer cramps from outer space took over. They have successfully diverted attention from emotional to actual pain. I found myself wondering if I had enough quarters for Midol and if they would be gone by tomorrow when my week of ten hour days begins.

I texted my BFF that I should write my cramps a thank you note. Nobody follows that little social politeness anymore, do they? But I'm bringing it back. I may even scent the envelope. What fragrance do you think menstrual cramps would appreciate? Summer Breeze perhaps?

My BFF then texted that it may be the only time a woman is ever thankful for cramps. Which then started a thread of when else you can thank your cramps for appearing.

#1) Getting out of a bad date.

#2) Getting out of any unwanted social engagement.

#3) Getting out of work (only works if your boss is male and uncomfortable with the topic of feminine hygiene).

#4) Getting out of exercising (don't look at me like that, I know that certain "doctors" say exercise helps with cramps, but I don't listen to quacks).

#5) Getting out of cooking dinner and/or housework.

#6) Getting out of walking the dogs (though admittedly claiming fear of being raped in the park at night works better).

#7) Getting out of watching any movie without Sarah Jessica Parker, Katherine Hegel, or Renee Zellweger as the lead actress (though this is better aided by bringing in your crazy hormones).

#8) Getting out of sex (yep, I went there).

#9) Allowing you to eat as much chocolate as you want.

#10) Blog topic.

See, cramps are very versatile. Too bad they are also very stubborn. They have a bit of a savior complex and do not go away until they are absolutely certain that all obstacles that could lead to you taking an uzi to your friends and family have been avoided completely. You may have to get tough with them, just remember to be careful what you wish for. You could banish your cramps with pain killers to have your brothers call back and make you want to chew through your own wrists. For now, I think I'm safest leaving my cramps be with a hearty thanks, and I'm not just saying that because I'm out of Midol.

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