It's All Connected

It's All Connected

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I'm Doing the Roxbury Guys Head Bob Right Now

I have been seriously missing from the Internet for a little while.  Not even checking facebook or even playing Bejeweled.  I don't know why I do this, usually it has to do with an overwhelming feeling of needing to be social.  Or more accurately not being able to be that social.  Responding to comments and facebook messages, emails and IMs starts to get really exhausting to me and so I pretend I am in high school and the Internet does not exist in my house.  Remember those days?  Those relaxing yet seriously lacking in information days?

Anyway, the reason I am saying that is to say that I may over post today.  I have had a few things in my head and thought, well, why the heck not?  I can sit here on my porch and type away!  No need to waste the sunshine or the urge to write!

While reading some of the posts I have missed while away, I read this little post by Red, and it got me to thinking.

What is love?

I had already been thinking about love because of this couple that came into my work a couple of weeks ago.  They are regular customers (as in they renew their tabs at our office once a year) and I remember meeting them for the first time last March.  He is ill.  I am not sure what is wrong.  But he is wheelchair bound, has difficulty speaking and cannot write.

He seemed much worse this year than last.

His wife cares for him.  She is so delicate and loving, attentive and sensitive to his needs.  You may be thinking, this is the saddest thing EVER, Sara, just stop writing.  But the thing is, as sad as it is that she will lose him soon, the humor in which they deal with their situation is SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL!  

He informed me that he doesn't expect to be around after the end of the summer, and then he asked me what she would need to do in order to change their car into just her name.  I laid out their options.  Explaining that whichever way they went, the process should be fairly simple for her, but that in any case we would need a copy of his death certificate.  We then moved on to other subjects.  One of which being that the voting commission did not approve the X he used as a signature.

Wife:  They didn't like your X?

Husband:  Nope, said I needed to have it witnessed.

Wife:  That was a damn good X.

Husband:  I know.

Wife:  Did they want it bigger?

Husband:  (laughter)  We better go.  So, when I am gone, you'll have to (more laughter) bring in my headstone for her to see.

Wife:  How about your ashes?

Husband:  You should accidentally spill them on her desk.

Me:  Yes, you should try and make it as uncomfortable for your title clerk as possible.

Wife:  Should I spill it in an X?  Then we can give I shouldn't say it.  (she leans in and whispers) A blow job?

We all three bust up laughing.  I can feel the heat rising to my forehead.

Husband:  That is a good color on you, sweetheart!

Me:  Oh.  My.  God.  My face hurts from laughing.

As they leave, I start to cry.  It was just the most beautiful showing of true love I have ever seen.  It got me to thinking, would Jero and I hold on to our inappropriate senses of humor in the same situation?

I got to thinking then about something someone once said to me about love.  He told me that I didn't know what love was.  That I was just constantly searching for a father figure.  I remember being really upset by his words, and carrying them through years of my life wondering if he was right.

You see, this man was an old friend and an old boyfriend.  We met in grade school and dated on and off for years.  When I was about 20 I told him that I loved him.  We were not dating at the time, just really close friends.  He responded with the above words.

I realized, years later, that he was lashing out because he was worried about hurting me by not loving me in return.  Thing is, I think I would have handled that better than going years thinking I had love all wrong.  I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me because I often developed those types of feelings for my friends.  Male or female.  Gay or straight.  I often found myself wondering about what a romantic relationship might be like with the people I had built a close bond with.

I dated a few women in my late teens, and had one boyfriend the first year out of school who I knew to be gay.  He had just broken up with his long time boyfriend and I think the time spent together and the familiarity became very comfortable for us both.  I have never been one to discriminate based on sex or sexual preference.

I know being physical is a big part of grown up relationships.  We are all driven by our instincts, after all.  But I also believe, like in the case of this couple in my office whose physical relationship has obviously drastically changed, that a romantic bond can be built and later maintained without sex in a conventional sense.

I find it so soothing to think that when Jero and I get old we will have the ability to surprise each other in different ways that do not necessarily have to do with the bedroom.  I love the idea that we will always be able to make each other laugh.  That we will continuously be able to find new topics to discuss.

Without Jero, life would be so BORING.  Who wants that?  And were he different than he is in any way, I don't know if I would be able to call him my best friend.  That type of connection takes the perfect storm of traits.  To be able to find a physical attraction, I must first find an emotional one.

I guess that makes me one giant girl.

The whole point of this was to say, what do you think is YOUR most important foundation for a soul mate?  We are all different, and I am not nearly naive enough to think that everyone out there will agree with this.  Maybe that ex of mine had it right.  Maybe I didn't know what love was.  For him.

Hug those babies, find laughter through tears, and enjoy every damn moment you can.  


  1. I love this post, Sara. I'll let you in on a secret I would never tell on my own blog, in answer to your question about the foundation...etc.

    My dad raised concerns about my developing a relationship (with the internet fiance) over the internet. I finally addressed them in an email, and part of what I said to him was how wonderful it was to finally have someone appreciate me for what's in my mind - SIGHT UNSEEN! Brett and I had been emailing (in addition to the blog interaction) for a while before he ever saw a single picture of me.

    So to me, that is very important, and creates a sense of trust. I have dated guys who were turned off when they discovered I was a "smart chick" or a nerd, or even a Christian!

    1. I wish it were easier to find someone without thinking about the physical. I get that from an evolutionary standpoint we all have physical characteristics that attract us to a mate, but I think there is too much pressure about how we look as women. I love that Jero has seen me at my very worst and still loves me. Brett and you both are rare gems. Building anything on emotional and intellectual compatibility, in my opinion, is so smart!