The Awesome-ness of Stephen Hawking

Last night, Jero and I watched an episode of Curiosity narrated by Stephen Hawking. It was asking the question, "did God create the universe?". It blew my mind. I haven't stopped thinking about it and the conversation it caused Jero and I to have.

Here's the thing, like many people I have been questioning the existence of God for a very long time. Say since June 16th, 1990. Yes, I was ten years old, but it was the first time I questioned the purpose of a higher being which made me question there actually being one.

I went through a very Christian phase for quite a number of years, starting in Junior High and ending late in High School. I was baptized southern Baptist, I was "born again", I recruited, I witnessed, I preached. Then, I questioned.

It was a shoot first, ask questions later kind of experience. I loved the feeling of community that the church brought me. The feeling of a forever family when I was so struggling with feeling like I was completely alone in the world. My mom worked a lot, was gone a lot, and I was pretty much raising myself. It felt so comforting to have this large circle of people who helped fill that void. But as I got older, and began to really listen to what was being preached and what was being sung, I realized that all of these people did not believe my dad would be in Heaven. In an instant, all of that comfort was gone.

I stopped going to church, I began to call myself an Agnostic. I believed in a higher power, but I didn't believe in organized religion. I took bits and pieces of different faiths and beliefs and I made my own idea of God. I read countless books on theology. I read, "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" and thought I had found the answer. Thought I had finally come to understand what God was all about. But with that came this nagging question...what is the purpose of a higher being?

I have many friends who are Atheist. Many scientists, physicists, and the like who do not believe in a god. Any god. My brain has been a true believer for some time. The laws of science and nature make sense to me, but my heart is the hold out.

Last night, Stephen Hawking explained the universe in such a way that this light bulb came on in my head. There is no purpose of a God, so why would there be one? Why would He need to exist in the first place?

As the show was ending, Mr. Hawking was explaining how time did not exist before the Big Bang. That without time, God would not have the time to create the Big Bang in the first place. And my heart immediately took over my brain and said, "God is beyond time". For the first time, my head fought back and said, "now is that logical, or are you just trying to make yourself feel better?".

Stupid head and it's stupid logic.

What I was struggling with, no what I AM struggling with, is the idea of there being no Heaven. No place to reunite with those I've lost, those I am going to lose someday, and those I will lose when I die. I looked at Jero and said, "that made me really sad".

Then my wonderful, smart, loving, beautiful man said something that I can't help but love with all of my heart. I am going to paraphrase because this was rather a long conversation.

He basically said that if all mass is energy, then we are energy. Our memories, which are neurons firing, our selves, we are all energy. And energy can never be destroyed, just changed. Therefor, when we die, we do not simply disappear. We are changed into other things that make up this world we all love and hate.

Now, I would love to talk to a scientist about this idea. I really would. Because I still can't completely convince my heart. It's also an issue of some people getting exactly what they deserve. I will be honest and say that along with not seeing my lost loved ones in the way I had always wanted to believe, I also have a vengeful side. I am human, after all. I like the idea of rapists, murderers and pedophiles getting their just desserts in the end. To be judged and sentenced in the end the way they never were in life. That part of me also wants to believe in God.

I am horribly confused but completely in awe of the fortitude of the human mind. Without scientists like Galileo, Einstein, and Hawking, we would all still be thinking that the tides are caused by some god. Really is that any less far fetched than wanting to believe that some higher being is waiting around up there to hand out justice for the wronged here on Earth? Shouldn't that be our job? Shouldn't we be striving for a more well oiled legal system? Shouldn't we be trying to do these things ourselves with our own morality? These great men brought us out of the dark age and into the time of not only knowing how the universe works, but WHY. I cannot help but be in awe of that.

I know this post is going to upset so many people. It's going to cause controversy and be called heresy. But here's the thing, I am not trying to change what anyone else believes. I'm not one hundred percent sure what I believe myself. I won't try to change your minds, or the minds of your children. I am just trying to wrap my head around what's happening in my heart. Or maybe the opposite of that.

Live this life like it's the only one. Because to me, whether Christianity is right or wrong, it's the only one we're going to get. Why wait to make amends until it is too late? If there is a Heaven, we won't be able to fix anything from there anyway.

Hug your babies, follow your own path, and may the mass times acceleration be with you.

Nearly Near Death Experience

So, this has been one crazy week and I am so grateful for the long weekend ahead.

Most of you may know what this week held for me. It started out wonderfully, with a long visit with an old friend that reminded me of the type of women I like to be around. Friendship should never be work. Yes, all relationships take effort, but never work. At least not to me. This old friend is exactly the type of person I enjoy being around. We don't have to see each other every day, or talk on the phone, or text, or IM. We can go months without seeing each other and fall right into place. I have been questioning my views on friendship for a while now, but she showed me that we all SHOULD have separate lives and sometimes those lives take us in separate directions just to bring us full circle again.

Anyway, completely off topic. That was on Sunday.

Monday morning I went to leave for work, and something made me turn my head to look at my parking spot. Normally, I'm lighting a cigarette, turning on my morning radio show, or just plain focused on getting out of our lot without hitting another car. Where my car was parked, near the rear passenger tire, was a huge puddle. Not a wet spot, but a puddle. I immediately put my car in park and got out.

I walked first to the puddle, which smelled like gasoline, but I couldn't be sure. I then walked around my car to the rear passenger side, and there I found my car profusely leaking fuel. I took a few steps back, because even though Myth Busters says it's not really possible, I was smoking and didn't feel like exploding after such a nice reunion with my friend. I grabbed my phone and called Jero so he could come down and look at it. He agreed that I was really leaking gas.

While at work, one of the gals at the bank told me that her dad is a mechanic and gave me his information so I could find out if I could afford to have it fixed. When calling him, I asked if he thought it was safe to drive and he told me that he'd be worried about a fire. So, I had it towed. This was the second time fate had my back.

Yesterday, I find out that my car had been tampered with. Four of the five lug nuts on the tire by the gas leak had been removed. Had I not seen the puddle, had I driven my car to work, the tire would have come off, causing sparks. Sparks and gas. Far worse than oil and water.

I have not stopped thinking about what could have happened. I no longer feel safe in a place I have lived for five years. What if I'd had my son in the car? My mom? Jero? A friend? What if the mechanic had been less than superb and told me to drive my car. I live at the top of a hill. I have sharp curves and hills to get anywhere I go. God. I am so freaked out.

Today I picked up my car. He says he believes someone was trying to take my tires.

This is how I know it was more malicious than that.

My tires have covers on them. The cover was put back on my tire. No way for me to see the lug nuts missing. If someone had been trying to steal my tires and had been caught up with my one locking lug nut then surprised someone, wouldn't you expect the cover to my tire to be lying on the ground? Instead, it was neatly placed back on my car. When I look around my well lit, covered parking, I see numerous cars without covers. Numerous cars with the same size wheels, and many of them much further away from any traffic. Easy pickings compared to my car.

Jero's car was keyed recently, and all of this so close together made me realize that in all the years we've been here, we've only had one other incident and then Jero was parked on the street.

I think I have a stalker, and I think I know who it is.

I'm almost sure I know who it is.

With the police involved, I'll have evidence soon enough. If they've ever been finger printed for a job, a background check, or anything else, it is only a matter of time. I have informed my neighbors both in writing and verbally to please keep an eye out for strange happenings concerning our property. To immediately call the police.

This is not just a prank. This was done to do harm to me and others in my life. I don't mess around with the safety of my loved ones. I don't take things like this lightly. Yesterday I was afraid, today I am pissed. I will be moving, and if I share my address with any of you, I ask that you not share it with anyone else. Once we are out of this place I do not want this person to know where I am, EVER AGAIN.

I am thankful for the universe having my back. I am thankful for a mechanic that took his time to find out exactly what happened. I am thankful for puddles, and tow trucks and locking lug nuts. I am thankful for being here and not in the hospital or worse. I am thankful for not driving my car to meet my friend. I am just so damn thankful.

I might still be a bit afraid, but I WILL take that power back. Ask six guys from my high school how I deal with bullies. I will give credit that I didn't think anyone could be this evil, but I won't make that mistake again. Me and mine won't take this lying down, and the next time this person will get caught.

Check your lug nuts, hug your babies, thank the universe.

Later, skaters.